Influence or manipulation?

We influence others all the time through our words, actions and attitudes. If we want someone else to take a particular action, we can ask them directly or suggest they do it or demand that they do it. Our approach can be nice and sweet or bossy and demanding, but their response will likely depend on several things: their respect or care for you, their feelings about the task, their general feelings of motivation, and beliefs about whether or not there’s something in it for them as well.

In other words, people take actions because of how they feel – their emotions dictate how they respond to your request. People who like you and are close to you are more likely to comply with requests because of their relationship with you. People who don’t know you, will likely follow through on a request because of how you make them feel in that moment.

How can we influence people intentionally?

Because people automatically respond to internal emotional drivers, we can appeal to these. Advertising does this all the time by triggering our emotional brain to want something by making us think their products will make us feel:

• important
• safe
• in control
• part of something
• more attractive to others
• independent and free
• that we’ve satisfied some other innate need

Advertisers imply this in how they create the ad or they might state it directly.

For example, in recent years Coca-Cola’s pre-Christmas “Holidays are Coming…” advert intends to build excitement, anticipation and a sense of belonging – all of which are powerful feelings that drive people to buy.

We can also influence people in a similar way by appealing to their emotional brain and built-in needs, represented in the bullet points above. Help them see how your request of them gives them for example, a sense of belonging, importance, safety or independence.

You are likely doing some of this already without even knowing it – it’s quite natural for some of us!

But wait, isn’t that just manipulating them?

In a word, yes. We can enter a debate about influencing vs manipulating – which usually ends up looking at one’s intention in trying to get someone to do something (did you want to just influence them or are you manipulating?). But you can attempt to influence someone for the most virtuous reasons, and they might feel that you manipulated them.

It’s still the same set of skills and your intentions might not have anything to do with their feelings and their response.

The point is that the skills for influencing and the skills to manipulate are one and the same.

Instead of getting caught up in making that distinction, do your best to influence for the greater good and when influencing, focus on motivating that other person by appealing to their emotional brain.

Other related blog posts

When your need for control gets in your own way

Is there a dark side to emotional intelligence?

When will I listen?Cold water swimming – what’s the hype all about?